Probably sixty percent of the emails that I get are from wives who are facing the reality of a divorce. Almost all of them want to save their marriages and aren't ready to throw in the towel just yet. They want to know: if their husbands can change their minds and reconsider about a divorce; how they can make this happen; and when this change might occur. I'll answer these questions in the following article.

You Can't Make Or Force Him To Stop The Divorce, But You Can Contribute To His Wanting To: So many wives approach this as a battle. The emails that I get ask for tips to "make him" or "get him to" change his mind. This wording alone implies that you're trying to strong arm or trick this man into doing something that he just doesn't want to do - almost like he'll be kicking and screaming all the way back, but will be reluctantly coming back just the same. Is this really what you want?

Of course not. You're going to have a much higher degree of success and satisfaction if you are able to come to place where you're equally committed and willing to save the marriage. You want him to want to be there as much as you want him there. And, you aren't likely to reach this if you come at him as an adversary or you take a combative stance.

In fact, you almost want to do the opposite. You want him to think that you're committed to his happiness and to helping him get what he wants (even though we both know that this is going to lead to YOU getting what you want.)

Ignore The Divorce For Now And Concentrate On Day By Day: The truth is, so many women act badly and desperately with the threat of divorce on the horizon. This little word elicits panic, fear, and desperation -- all very negative emotions that can cause you to do or say things that you're very much likely to regret later. We take to bombarding him with questions and accusations. We try to make him feel guilty. Or, we're just so nasty because we want to lash out at him so that he's hurt every bit as much as we are. But, all of these things only dig you a deeper hole and get your further away from your true goal.

So, while it may be difficult at first, I want for you to put the divorce out of your mind. You will function much higher and be much more convincing when you don't have this threat breathing down your neck. Vow, at least for the next couple of months, to take things day by day. Divorces take time to become final. You likely have more time than you think, and counting down the days are only going to cause you to react in negative ways. Right now, we're going to take things day by day, conduct ourselves with dignity and grace, and focus just on ending our time with the husband on a positive note. Yes, these are small victories. But, small victories eventually build upon themselves until you've created a new reality.

Know That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce When You Show Him That Things Really Can Change In Your Marriage: OK, here's the short answer. I have a little bit of insight into men who have initiated a divorce. Many of them write to me and share what they are feeling. Almost all of them tell me that the divorce is a reality because they just feel that things can not and will not change. They share that they feel more like a brother or room mate to their wives. They feel that their wife just does not make the time for them anymore - that she cares more about the kids, her career, her parents, and her family. They tell me that there's no longer laughter, intimacy, or a feeling of connection. And, they tell me that this has been going on for so long and that they've tried repeatedly to fix it - and now, they are quite sure that it won't change and there's no way to rescue it.

At the end of the day, the core of a divorce is usually a lack of connection and intimacy. Because when two people are feeling this, they can usually weather any marital storm. So, if you want to change your man's mind about a divorce, then you need to focus on restoring these things and showing your husband with your actions - not your words, that you can be successful with this.

This probably seems like a tall order when you aren't living together or you at least don't have access to him. This is where coming at him from a place of partnership comes in. It's important to communicate with him that you agree that the marriage is broken and that you both deserve better. Explain that he's too important to you to let things deteriorate this way. So, you're going to focus on what you can - coming out of this in a way that you can be proud of. He may be hesitant at first, but as you conduct yourself this way, he will eventually warm up somewhat.

When he does, it's so important that you put your best self out there. Listen intently. Lean in when he talks. Stress that you are on his side and have his back. Because truly, you are already the person who can turn your husband's eye and possess his heart. You're already done it once. But, somehow, someway, the stresses of every day life took a little of the shine off of this woman. Now, it's time to get her back and reclaim her. Because she is who your husband really wants. And once she returns, and you come at him from a place of partner ship (and move slowly), everything else should fall into place.

Save My Marriage is a blog that I set up to share my story of how I was able to turn my situation around when my husband initiated a divorce. When he first left, I made a lot of the same mistakes I discussed here. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband's love, get him home, and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Leslie Cane
March 5, 2009

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